The Tragedie of the Comedian

THE TRAGEDIE OF THE COMEDIAN
by
William Snakefeare

DRAMATIS PERSONÆ

LADY ANYONE, one of wealth, loneliness and egoism

GEORGE, visiting nephew of Lady Anyone

CONTENTS

ACT I. Living Room of Lady Anyone.

FIRST ACT

SCENE: Living room of LADY ANYONE, extravagantly decorated with furniture of wealth; a sofa, a table with a flower-vase, lit candles.

LADY ANYONE is arranging the flowers in the vase.

LADY ANYONE: Oh, this vast room! Shall it never be of importance? For endless years have I seen it here, with its closed, sealed beauty, yet for endless years has it been unused.

Enter GEORGE

GEORGE: Ah, there thou art, dear aunt! I have been looking all over thy extravagant home to find thee. Art thou in peace?

LADY: In peace I shall be when you are dead, or when I am dead, and when I am assured you will not follow with me to heaven.

GEORGE: Oh, aunt, what hath hurt thee? Thy face is all but shining, thy body as cold as a winter’s night.

LADY: ‘Tis rather your poetry which is worse than the poetry of... well, the poetry of a pathetic bard. Oh, and your heart, unlike my body, cannot be compared to a winter’s night; your heart is colder.

GEORGE: My aunt, if I knew what had stricken thy joy in the back, I would truly stab it for thee, as I am unsure whether thou canst handle thy hideous murderer or nay.

LADY: Oh, George! Have you yet not understood the meaning of what you are saying?

GEORGE: I am afraid not my aunt, as it hath no meaning.

LADY: How typical! You rattle on about no one knows what, then you believe yourselves to be some form of all-knowing profets and bards. How I defy your ways of thinking.

GEORGE: Who are ‘they’ dear aunt? Last I knew, only I was the one who spoke in old Englisc, but thou repeatedly adressest me as ‘you’.

LADY: George, my nephew! You make me so tired whilst trying to sound intelligent! Why can you just not leave me in peace?

GEORGE: If I remember right, dear aunt, thou wouldst be in peace when either of us were dead.

LADY: Yes, so what about it? I am much older than you, I shall probably die before you anyhow, seeing how you are such a coward, and will never set out in war.

GEORGE: But aunt, to go to war is nay to be in peace. In that case I would ne’er leave thee in peace if I left to war.

LADY: I knew it, your cowardice takes all of yours guts away! Never shall I have peace!

GEORGE: In this case, dear aunt, I believe thou art a victim of all life’s earthly woes, whilst I am a coward, not taking death by my proper hand.

LADY: I know who writes your lines!

GEORGE: Nay, aunt, nat I think thou art merely trying to threaten me.

LADY: Of course I am trying to threaten you! You are a coward, and you should therefore die out of terror!

GEORGE: O, my aunt, hast thou grown mad? Madder than usual, madder than the mad men in the asylum of which we both know nothing about?

LADY: It seems so. Yet madness is a disease which jumps over from one victim to another.

GEORGE: Thou dost not mean...

LADY: Oh yes, I do. I have been hit with madness from you, lousy boy! Your constant, nagging, brain-effecting use of old, no, ancient expressions has all but done me good.

GEORGE: Forgive me, aunt! I did not know, and neither didst thou! We are both victims of cowardice!

LADY: You have a fine ability of always mixing up the meaning of words. You, are a victim of stupidity. I, am a victim of you, and your dumbness!

GEORGE: Forgive me, aunt! I have failed thee! I have betrayed thee!

LADY: ... Nagged me, disturbed me, annoyed me...

GEORGE: Aye, that too! How will I ever be able to win back thy trust?

LADY: Well...

GEORGE: Nay! I have betrayed and brought shame upon my family, my related ones, my race! I shall be punished for my horrible sins!

LADY: Oh, I agree...

GEORGE: Ah, if it was not because of my cowardice! Now I have made myself guilty to Death, yet I am a coward, I dare not stand up, stand out and take the stab in the back!

LADY: Would you rather sit in, behind a grey cell? I believe that could be arranged...

GEORGE: Nay! I have lied to thee! I have set thee in woe! I am filled with dishonesty! I shall hold my head low!

LADY: Hm, of course you could always have become an inspiring poet. Ah, but who reads poetry to-day?

GEORGE: I cannot take it! I have sinned before God! I have bound a commitment to Satan!

LADY: Well of course you have sinned before God; God would never sin.

GEORGE: O, this earthly burden! I shall pay back everthing I have ever taken!

LADY: Well, first there is all the food you have eaten since you were three, everything you have broken, including my dreams... Oh, and all the time I recently lost because I had to listen to all this!

GEORGE: Forgive me God!

LADY: That might be hard.

GEORGE: Satan, spare my health!

Stabs himself with a swordstick

LADY: George?

GEORGE: Forgive me, my aunt. Now I have payed back.

Dies

LADY: Oh. Very well. I guess I am in peace. At last! This calls for a celebration! But no. I forgot. This room, this empty, never used room... that was the reason we never have masquerades or feasts or parties...

Sighs deeply and blows out the candles

LADY: Oh well, I guess this room shall always be empty of people...

Exeunt